


A Swine Crew

by Tharapita



Series: The Odyssey What-Ifs [1]
Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, The Odyssey - Homer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Humorous Ending, no beta we die like men, odysseus is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:29:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25535878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tharapita/pseuds/Tharapita
Summary: When Odysseus’ plan with Circe goes slightly awry, he is left with only one sensible option. So obviously that’s not the one he takes.
Series: The Odyssey What-Ifs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850317
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	A Swine Crew

Odysseus strode into Circe's home, the anti-magic drug still bubbling within his stomach. Grasping the witch's goblet, he gulped the potion down in a huge swig, wincing as it burnt his throat a little.   
"That was a little...piggish." Grinned Circe, watching through half-lidded eyes as the trickster wiped his lips with the back of his hand.   
"Was it, witch?" He chortled back, standing decidedly human in front of her. Confusion bloomed in her eyes and across her cheeks, followed quickly by realisation and then anger.   
"What is going on?" She spat, rage thinning her voice to a razor-thin blade.   
"A little thing called divine protection sweet pea." Gloated the hero, his grin as arrogant as ever. Who wouldn't when you had Athena backing you. "Now, I command you to release my men in their human form."  
"What?" Snorted Circe. "Why on earth would I do that?" Odysseus stopped for a moment, thinking over why exactly she would.   
"Because.........I told you.........to?" He fished, hands flapping about him as if they could grasp the answer for him. Magic danced across the woman's fingers as her eyes burned in fury at the man across from her.   
"Get out." She seethed.   
"I know!" Shouted Odysseus, his face brightening as a good idea entered his head and he raised his finger in emphasis his. "I'll sleep with-"  
"OUT!!!!!" Yelled the irate witch, her magic picking up the startled hero and throwing him all the way from her house back to the beach and his ships.   
"You." Odysseus finished even while he was plonked down beside his men, his "I-have-an-idea" smile only just fading and his finger still raised despite the sand that has suddenly rushed up to slam his face.   
"And take your stinking men with you!!!!!!!" Circe's disembodied voice rang across the island as a pile of pigs flew through the air to splat beside the rather bewildered hero. The human members of Odysseus' rushed up to him as he began to brush sand from his armour.   
"What happened sir?" They asked.   
"I think she's playing hard to get-"  
"No no to our friends."  
"Errrr." The hero swivelled to look at the pile of snorting pig bodies.  
"You weren't able to persuade the witch?" Asked the crew, incredulous.  
"No, she wouldn't even sleep with me! Can you believe it." A set of raised eyebrows looked at their captain.   
"That was your plan?"  
"Yes, well it's never failed before." There were sighs across the camp as men began to help their porky comrades. Eurylochus approached one slowly.   
"Are you a member of Odysseus’ crew?" The pig nodded vigorously in reply. "Are you ok? Does it hurt?" The pig gave Eurylochus a definite sarcastic look, before shaking his head. No pain was good at least. Men were starting to drift back towards Odysseus, who was sitting in the sand griping about how 'his charms were leaving him', when one asked.   
"Captain, what do we do now?" The hero looked up at the men, his brain gears grinding in front if them.   
"Pork chops for supper? Or does that count as cannibalism.........?"Then, in a flash of inspiration, he flew to his feat, threw his finger in the air in a proud stance and proclaimed, "We shall sail our ship by pig power!!!!" Silence and crickets filled the island for a few moments, before one of the crew muttered,   
"And I thought the horse was a bad idea." Furious the hero turned to whoever said that, when Circe's voice again abounded,   
"Agreed." Smiles began to crack faces, so Odysseus cried,  
"Chop chop! To the ship all of you!" Before anyone could come up with a better idea.

And so, the ship with the black prow sailed towards Ithaca, with trotters pulling ropes. Poseidon himself, in his huge and fish-smelling glory, appeared before the ship, booming,   
"ODYSSEUS! YOU DARE SAIL THE SEAS AFTER KILLING MY SON!" Before catching glimpse of the snouts of the crew and laughing so hard they were home before he had stopped. Eurameus took good care of the swine crew, and some families even moved in with the pig-head of the house hold. Sadly, Penelope was stuck with hers after only a 12 year respite.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought this was just a bit of fun! If you liked it, let me know!


End file.
